Passing on….

So, at 8 am on Monday I am awoken to my cell phone singing to me. Now, I love the song but it also means mom is calling. At first I think, how odd and then think, 8 am, this will be bad.

Me: Hello mother
Mother: Huh, hi…….
Me: Uh oh, what’s up?
Mother: I have some bad news?
Me: I can tell by the fact that you are calling me at 8 am. What happened?

My mother proceeds to tell me that on Saturday night my cousin slipped into a comma and on Sunday passed away. Whoa…what do I say, how do I react? The wake/services are on Wednesday, he is to be cremated the next morning. His ashes would be buried with his grand parents and Uncle. I said I’ll make arrangements to be there and hung up the phone.

Whoa…..can you say out of left field? I knew he was sick but I wasn’t expecting that. All day on Monday I literally sat in a funk. I was unable to process or motivate myself to accomplish anything.

The week was long for me, and regardless of how much I tried, I was forced to ride the life cycle a bit. The mortality questions kept creeping up and I answered them with more honesty then ever. This time I compared my life to his and not the way people thought I should live.

My cousin was a fisherman by trade and for the last 4 years of his life he suffered from brain tumors. Unfortunately, the 1 tumor between his eyes and his brain was inoperable leaving radiation as his only choice. The tumor would increase in size and cause temporary blindness until the doctors could shrink it. On top of that, he was forced to fight with his health insurance company because the tumors made it impossible for him to work, although he tried a number of times while in remission.

Eventually 3 additional tumors grew and increased the pressure on his brain slowly disabling him. As usual he was robbed of his sight, then his legs……. his arms………… his speech……… all motor functions until he went into a comma like state. Eventually, his vital organs no longer could function and he passed with his mother at his side. He was 37.

In retrospect, I don’t have it so bad. I have a home and most of my family is still around and I can call on them at will. I have a fairly good network of friends too. I mean what else can a person ask for? So, I don’t have the next big job lined up, I don’t have any plans for the American family, and I am still trying to figure out how to use myspace. And frankly everyone else who looks at me and expects me to be well managed by their standards can KISS MY FAT ASS. Oh and the FDA doesn’t approve of my ass either.

I think it is in the human condition to fight for what we want and hope to win it, but sadly, we don’t always win. In the end we can find happiness and experience life more so during the process then with any ending. The end only brings perspective.