Shorelinecity

Modern Medicine

2007-03-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

I think there is a secret initiative to make Americans more productive. Now you can go a vacation, have a heart attack and be back to work on Monday.

A theory my brother in-law tested this weekend at my mother’s surprise birthday party.

Killer party mom……well, almost!

La familia….

2006-11-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

When I tell people my father is a meat and potatoes guy, I am not kidding.

On the phone with mom…

Mom: This weekend your father turns 65!

(In the background)

Dad: In 2 weeks is gobble gobble…

Shore: Oh man, did he just gobble?

Mom: yes (giggle) that’s your father.

Shore: Well, does that mean I can eat his cake this weekend?

Mom: Sure!

FledEx

2006-10-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

Dear FedEx,

I am sorry the notice below is required on your envelopes.

“Do not ship liquids, blood or diagnostics in this package”

Sympathetically,

Shorelinecity

Concert Rules

2006-10-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

The rule seems to be when going to a show the tallest people in the place must stand in from of me. I say this because at some shows they seem to rotate positions or move left to right as if on purpose…ugh…

Oh you know who you are, now sit down damn it!!!!

Overheard in N.C.

2006-10-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

“Basically, we gotta have some old people dieing before business will pick up.………”

Whoa what?!?!?

Competition

2006-09-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

As a child I constantly competed for my parent’s attention. As the youngest of 4 I had a wide age gap working against me. While I was in the school play my siblings were 1 up-ing me by buying cars and having babies. The nerve!

Just as a quarter of my life passes I finally became #1 by what I think has more to do with physical and mental geography. Simply, I am the good kid.

Now, our house had been puppy free for too many years and I decided to buy them one. A gift to say good job, you finally realized who the good kid was.

So, instead of making the situation better I actually made it worse. How do I compete with this....

Seriously, how?

Family Humor

2006-09-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

My parents return form a 4 day holiday and while they were gone Gram organized and cleaned much of the house. The last order of business was the pile of mail.

While standing at the top of the stairs Gram becomes postmaster for about 1 min.

Gram: Hey do you want your mail?

Mom: Oh sure. (gets up and walks over to the stairs)

Gram: Here….(

She then throws the mail underhand and down the stairs where it hits the floor with a splat and spreads out like an oversized fan directly at my mother’s feet.

Mom: What the….well then.

My mother and I look at each other, mouths gaping, gram stands at the top of the stairs bent at the waist, laughing.

Seriously, I have to be adopted.

Sweet Reminder

2006-09-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough month on the water. My own emotional king da ka if you will, all compounded by a new and demanding gig. And just when I have felt the most distant from some of the most important people in my world…….I found these waiting patiently for me when I arrived home tonight. There were are no words…..some people just know.

Thanks sweetie, I love and miss you so very much!

Separation Anxiety

2006-08-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

It is sad when a loved one gets ill and ends up in the hospital for 7 days.

No worries baby, you will be home soon.

I miss you.

I am not surprised.

2006-08-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

You Are 66% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

...and I have a suite reserved in hell. If you know me you can get hooked up when you get there.

Get Out The Map!

2006-08-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

4 hours and 10 minutes into our camping road trip…. after we acknowledge the Christmas themed trailer park and how long it actually took us to arrive….we head inside to claim our site.

Per usual we are giddy, mostly from exhaustion and amazement we actually found find this place in the woods with a complete lack of signage. So smiling and giggling we head into the office and are met by the not-so-happy camp mistress and her friendly assistant. I figure the camp mistress was upset because I let Hapa wonder the mini-camp store like a 5 yr old out of her cage for the first time.

I politely pay the assistant because she had a cute smile and immediately loose points with the camp mistress. Apparently she didn’t take the class that allows her to touch the money yet. I quickly locate Hapa circling the 2 isle store/room. I refuse her suggestion to buy the camp mistress’ dinner for our own and lead her back to the car with yet another map in hand. Looks really easy doesn’t it?

WRONG!!!! What we have here is an obvious case of artistic liberty with reality.

We follow all the rules by moving no faster than 5 mph, which translates to 0 mph to Brenda (my car). We go Left, then Right and pass all the campers, or should I say residents. Yes I said residents. Their trailers covered with holiday lights decorations as if Santa was coming tonight. And what does this mean? It means at 10pm in complete darkness we are too spooked to ask anyone if they know where our site is.

Shore: Wow these people go all out.

Hapa: They look like they have been here all summer.

Shore: Yeah look, they have porches and actual yards carved out at their site. Look that one has refrigerator on their porch.

Hapa: Oh my god…..

Shore: It is like summer homes for high class trailer trash.

Hapa: OK, where is our site? We should have passed the showers by now.

Shore: You mean the outhouse? There it is.

Hapa: What, how did we end up over here? According to the map we are on the Left side of the lake.

Shore: I don’t know navigator…..how did we end up over here? Did we even pass a lake?

Hapa: Excuse me, you made a wrong turn.

Shore: WHAT?!?! You are the navigator….whatever….just tell me which way to go now.

Hapa: OK turn around and go that way. (pointing to a downward slopping road leading into darkness)

Shore: I don’t like the way that road looks, it looks like a boat ramp. Where is the lake again?

Hapa: No look there is another car, it is fine.

Shore: OK…..here we go tent sites. 3T, 4T, 5T….7T, dead end, what the…where is this site? According to the map this should be 6T…next to that should be 9T… who drew this damn thing?

Hapa: You are asking me?

Shore: This map sucks.

Hapa: I’ll find it. (Jumping out of the car w/ flashlight in hand)

Hapa walked through all the adjacent campsites while the “residents” snarled at the 2 girls from outa town. Then from down a small hill by a row of bushes I hear “Found it”. There stood Hapa lighting up the small 9T sign that looked like it was 5 miles from the road. My Hero!!

So, it took us 20 min to find our site and another 15 to set up. After all of that, the chocolate chip cookie dinner Hapa proved actually tasted good. However, I spent most of the night wishing we had a camp fire because that map would have been a great fire starter.

Down the isle or out the door?

2006-08-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

“Never marry anyone you would not be happy being divorced from.”
-- Nora Ephron

Hmmmm, I am thinking this would be a boring marriage and in which case I will choose to save my money.

“Marriage is an institution, it requires commitment….that sounds nutty to me.”
-- Gene Simmons

How bitter do I sound if I agree? Come on, the man has a point.

How do they do it?

2006-08-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

So there are a few things in this world that scare me and intrigue me at the same time. Sephora is one of them.

I always go there with the idea I will get what annoying thing I need and immediately leave. Instead I walk in and am like a deer in headlights. Somehow I am hypnotized by the order of these strange objects, I must inspect every shiny thing and all the colors….look at all the colors…. ooooooo…….

Ultimately, I end up forking over $20 instead of the $4 originally planned.

Damn you Sephora, you win this round.

And a date to boot….

2006-07-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

So, it has been roughly a week since my roommates and I lost power and it has been just as long since we had hot water. Yesterday, I wandered down to the basement apt, ready to brave the language barrier in hopes find a phone number for the oil company and to avoid the nightly shower dance.

Once inside I wandered around and found the number on the very old boiler/hot water heater. “It looks to me like the engine needs to be rebooted,” I tell my neighbors. We exchanged numbers in hopes to inform one another if we see our landlord and or if hot water were to return. While waiting for the oil company to call me back my downstairs neighbor, Jose, called.

Jose: Ummm owners number…

Shore: Yeah that is the # we have. Oh well, I hope he turns up, alive.

Jose: Ummm…my English not good…… OK?

Shore: Oh that is OK I don’t mind.

Jose: You new…. I never see you before…… you married?

Shore: Ummmm…. no… (omg, what door did I just open?)

Jose: ummm…….I like you…….you nice

Shore: Ahhh… yeah… well, I am seeing somebody (which I am not) but thank you.

Jose: Oh OK…..call me anytime….... I like you…..I want to help anytime.

Shore: Oh OK…..well, thanks.

After this awkward conversation was over my roommate Buck was laughing hysterically. She tells me my face contoured into some very funny shapes as the conversation progressed. I couldn’t imagine how he found me even remotely attractive, my hair was wild and I was decked out in my Boy Scout shirt. Then I realized may be should have finished my ice pop before I knocked on the door.

My bad…..

Lost but never found

2006-07-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

The general thought is if you loose something on the subway you can kiss it good-bye. However, the MTA would like to make you feel better about the possibility of reclaiming whatever it is you may have lost. They now post signs informing straphangers where you can call about your lost belongings decorated with examples of things one may loose on the subway.

An ipod, a wallet, money, a cane, glasses, you know things that are commonly lost and I am sure are actually found on the subway by conductors everyday. Yeah I think it is possible to loose that basketball or that large bomb box if you put it under your seat and blank out. I mean we are human, and the same could apply to that cobra up there……whoa, wait! A SNAKE!!! No that can’t be right, oh no it is…that is definitely a snake. May be it representing a toy snake, I can see a kid loosing one of them.

Hmmm, what is that long nude colored object….oh…is that…no…..omg…it is, I think it really is… it is prosthetic leg? OK, how the hell do you forget YOUR LEG?!?!?! Seriously people, your leg!!! OK, for arguments sake, let’s say you were carrying an extra, how do you forget it?!?!?!? Does that mean someone has actually done it?

And OK let’s say you forget your leg on the train, how do you reclaim it? It has to have some type of identifying number, like a barcode, right? It isn’t like that many legs turn up in lost and found anyway. The MTA could make you try it on to confirm it fits?

Yeah I know that might sound wrong but until you try to communicate with a company like the MTA, you should reserve judgment.

Fog horn, what?

2006-07-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

Whitelightning invited me & Hapabukbuk out to visit with her mom in the Hamptons. Everything was great, the food, the beach, until I woke up in the middle of the night to a pulling and tugging motion around my legs.

Me: Whoa… what….huh…. What’s happening? What are you doing?

Hapabukbuk: I can’t sleep you are snoring.

Me: Huh?

Hapabukbuk: You sound like a fog horn.

Me: Wait! No way!

Hapabukbuk: I am going to sleep on the coach.

Me: Arrrrgghhh…..

And she did, taking all the covers with her.

As a back story you should know that 1 yr ago I went under the knife to correct a chronic sinus issue that caused migraines & ear infections. While the surgery alleviated me of both issues the side effect is I now snore. Well, at least according to Hapabukbuk.

For the remainder of the trip Whitelighning shared the room with me and stuck Hapabukbuk in another room all by herself out of fear our joined breathing patterns would keep her awake all night.

The drama…

Wise purchase?

2006-07-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

While wandering the streets of Queens I noticed there are a number of people who own these racer style cars. They love to drive them around the s mall streets with their windows open and music blaring.

They are small 2 door cars often seen in silver. They have a spoiler that is almost twice as wide as the trunk, rims that are so big the tire look no more than 3 inches thick, and a manufacturer installed fire extinguisher attached to the passenger side dashboard……

Whoa… wait!!! Fire extinguisher!!!! What kind of car comes with a fire extinguisher within arms length of the driver?!?!?!?

Apparently, it is fashionable to own a car that could catch fire at any given moment? Who knew?

You can look....

2006-07-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

So I have this compulsion, I touch everything. OK, let me be more specific. I am talking about inanimate objects. For example if I am in a toy store and I see some soft, like a stuff animal, I have to touch to find out just how soft it actually is. In order to best see the CD on the rack I have to pick it up. I mean it isn’t really real unless I pick it up.

I was heading home via the subway around midnight. After I dip down the stairs I see wet paint signs hanging on almost every pillar. Now, I have seen these signs for year, and every time I almost see it as a challenge to prove it wrong.

I go in for the test with not 1 but 3 finger tips because more is better right? OMG….OMG…. it is WET!!! It is never actually wet. In the 7 years of looking at these signs it has never once been wet.

Now, there I am staring at my fingers, absolutely horrified at the fact the pillar is actually wet and completely unsure of what to do. I mean doesn’t the MTA know about my disorder, how dare it actually be wet.

I need to get this off my fingers best I can before I touch something important, like my hair. Don’t laugh, until you have gotten paint in your hair and poor gasoline in it to get it out. I look around and the only thing that isn’t painted was the subway map. I decided it was either me or the map and wipe my fingers down the only non-painted polls on the platform.

So, if you are ever at the 57th street station look for my tag.

I am such an idiot.

Passing on….

2006-06-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

So, at 8 am on Monday I am awoken to my cell phone singing to me. Now, I love the song but it also means mom is calling. At first I think, how odd and then think, 8 am, this will be bad.

Me: Hello mother
Mother: Huh, hi…….
Me: Uh oh, what’s up?
Mother: I have some bad news?
Me: I can tell by the fact that you are calling me at 8 am. What happened?

My mother proceeds to tell me that on Saturday night my cousin slipped into a comma and on Sunday passed away. Whoa…what do I say, how do I react? The wake/services are on Wednesday, he is to be cremated the next morning. His ashes would be buried with his grand parents and Uncle. I said I’ll make arrangements to be there and hung up the phone.

Whoa…..can you say out of left field? I knew he was sick but I wasn’t expecting that. All day on Monday I literally sat in a funk. I was unable to process or motivate myself to accomplish anything.

The week was long for me, and regardless of how much I tried, I was forced to ride the life cycle a bit. The mortality questions kept creeping up and I answered them with more honesty then ever. This time I compared my life to his and not the way people thought I should live.

My cousin was a fisherman by trade and for the last 4 years of his life he suffered from brain tumors. Unfortunately, the 1 tumor between his eyes and his brain was inoperable leaving radiation as his only choice. The tumor would increase in size and cause temporary blindness until the doctors could shrink it. On top of that, he was forced to fight with his health insurance company because the tumors made it impossible for him to work, although he tried a number of times while in remission.

Eventually 3 additional tumors grew and increased the pressure on his brain slowly disabling him. As usual he was robbed of his sight, then his legs……. his arms………… his speech……… all motor functions until he went into a comma like state. Eventually, his vital organs no longer could function and he passed with his mother at his side. He was 37.

In retrospect, I don’t have it so bad. I have a home and most of my family is still around and I can call on them at will. I have a fairly good network of friends too. I mean what else can a person ask for? So, I don’t have the next big job lined up, I don’t have any plans for the American family, and I am still trying to figure out how to use myspace. And frankly everyone else who looks at me and expects me to be well managed by their standards can KISS MY FAT ASS. Oh and the FDA doesn’t approve of my ass either.

I think it is in the human condition to fight for what we want and hope to win it, but sadly, we don’t always win. In the end we can find happiness and experience life more so during the process then with any ending. The end only brings perspective.

To blog or not to blog, this has been my question.

2006-05-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

So, I have often I have thought bloggers to be very self involved for posting their lives for others to read. Why? Cause they want attention.

However, I now feel I am wrong. While there are always people who like and do it for the attention, I am now learning it can be a great way to share ideas and look for a community & for a place to get all the extra crap out of their heads.

So why would I write a blog? I claim to be part of the group with extra crap in their head. I have all these random thoughts and feelings that just build and block additional thoughts. I consider this a way of cleaning house in my head. Otherwise my head may just explode and that just isn’t pretty.

So, here it is, in all the glory it lacks.

Enjoy!
Shorelinecity